Actually, I'm not sure I ever got off. So maybe I'm just hitting a particularly treacherous track. And, I'll admit, it's got me scared.
Metaphors aside, the results from my third round of bloodwork are back and they aren't pretty. While my hcg levels continue to grow nicely, my progesterone has dropped to 13. That's about seven points -- not terribly insignificant. My wonderful midwife says she's thinks things are fine, but she doesn't want them to drop any lower. In my brief research the "normal range" for this stage starts as low as 9, so I'm ok -- for now. It's the "for now" that kills me.
I've done absolutely everything within my power to ensure a healthy pregnancy this time around. Just for kicks, let's list the changes I've made to my lifestyle since the loss of my first pregnancy. Got half an hour or so?
1. Full blood work up. Including screening for thyroid issues.
2. Weekly acupuncture appointments.
3. Daily fermented cod liver oil supplement. Yum.
4. Daily liver pills (equivilent to eating 1oz of beef liver daily.)
5. Replaced household cleaning supplies, including laundry and dish detergent, with their green counterparts.
6. Replaced personal hygiene and beauty products (face wash, shampoo, etc) with green products, free of salicylic acid, benzyol peroxide, sodium laureth sulfate.
7. Discontinued use of mainstream scented candles. Currently using only soy or beeswax based candles, scented with essential oils.
8. Completely overhauled my diet. Seriously. Completely. Down to the kind of salt I use. (I now use mineral rich celtic sea salt, just in case you were wondering.) Including, but not limited to switching to organic meats, dairy products and vegetables.
9. Started drinking "more fat" milk from grass-fed cows. Good bye skim, hello 2%.
10. Added free range eggs to my daily diet.
11. Made a commitment to eat breakfast every morning. (As opposed to having my first meal after 1pm.)
12. Discontinued all over coloring of my hair. (Highlights, which keep the color off the scalp, only. And unfortunately for my roots, even that has been put on hold.)
13. Added yoga to my repetoire.
14. Completely cut out caffeine, cured meats, soft cheeses. (Oh feta, how I miss you.)
15. Cut out the microwave. (Before you freak, not because of radiation, but because it denatures our food.)
16. Kept my feet warm. (Hard for this barefoot kinda girl!)
17. Positive thoughts, positive thoughts, positive thoughts!
And, as of today at 5w4d, I have added an oral progesterone supplement.
I'm sure none of this is new to those of you struggling in the aftermath of a loss, or with infertility. I'm sure you could add pages to my list. There's no end to the changes we can make to our lifestyles to try to ensure a healthy pregnancy and the arrival of a perfect little life. But, at the end of the day, you come to the realization that there's just no ensuring anything. There are no guarantees. But knowing that, we still try. We still read everything there is to read. Try everything there is to try. Do what's inconvenient, uncomfortable, expensive. I guess it might sound crazy to people who haven't struggled in the same way. But I think it's testament to a mother's love. Only a mother would go to such lengths for her child. A child she's never seen, never held in her arms. And whether the rest of the world recognizes us as mothers or not, our commitment, our love speaks for itself.
As for me, I'll continue with my list. Including those little peach pills, two or three times a day. I don't know how it'll turn out, but I do know that I'll keep loving this little life and will be grateful for the time they spend with me.
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